Galaxy of Emptiness

There's a waste land in your soul.

I wish I could say that to Sari. Then for her to wake up. Clean up. I want her eyes to be bright and for her to see what the every day can be. I want her body to be strong and take her places. I want her heart to be in it. I want her spirit to be thirsty for life.

Its heart wrenching and makes my stomach churn. Makes me even more upset to not know what to do and see the whole family suffer. I hate that I'm angry at her for taking away the visible love between dad and I, so that I don't know if he is ever proud of who I've become or even notices. Im angry but I love her. Yeah we all hurt the ones we love, And we don't need a reason. It seems really true. Im very sure it is.

I dont want to handle the little things at the moment. Ive prioritised the aspects of life for the moment. Its hard. Everything and everyone matters and you want to give your attention and care to it all. But reality says you cant. Well some people who have so much energy to give and give can, but I can't. I wish I were one of those people. Maybe one day I will be able to harness what it is to become that person. But I dont want to for now.

I can't wait for John to get here. He is one of the shining things in my life now. I just want to hold him and in those moments together forget everything. I hope I can be a force for change in his life. He has so much waiting inside of him to show the world and to fufill himself, but hes not letting it flow and its leaving him incomplete I think. I like that though. I like that we have things to give to help one another in this life.

Had two such lovely events this past week. Coffee with Dana and Imi. I felt so at ease, it was really special to me, especially because I had not spent time with Dana for a long time. Then dinner last night at Melinas new appartment with Simone and Joanna. Oh how appreciative I am of that time. It really filled me with happiness. These are ladies I have grown up all through primary and high school with. How beautiful to have that history and how lovely that though we are each different women we have developed into the same down to earth intelligent people. I took a step back to think of these women and thought what truly beautiful humans they are and what great taste I have in people haha each one of them unpretentious, smart, clever, loving, compassionate, artistic, deep, beautiful and confident individuals. I couldn't think of anything better to surround myself with.

Listening to Beth Orton at the moment, where some of those quotes came from. Hope I can see her at Blues and Roots later.

I wanna sit and talk and laugh with you as the day ends
I wanna see your smiling face before the new day begins
You never know what it means to see
To see the sunlight in your hair and eyes and everywhere

I wanna shout about it
But I keep quiet about it
Wanna laugh about it
But I don't joke about it
Wanna live without it
But I can't do without it

I'm someone's daughter, not a son but a sun
Can I ease your pain till the morning comes
I'm no one's daughter revel on to the sun
Gonna ease your pain till the morning comes

Keep lookin' for the reason high and low to let it go
Keep losin' my mind lookin' for the peace that I'll never find

I wanna know how it feels to be the sunlight in your hair and eyes and everywhere

I wanna shout about it
But I keep quiet about it
Wanna laugh about it
But I don't joke about it
Wanna live without it
But I can't do without it

I'm someone's daughter, not a son but a sun
Can I ease your pain till the morning comes
I'm no one's daughter revel on to the sun
Gonna ease your pain till the morning comes
-Beth Orton